shux. i think somehow, gardar works. and what is worst is that, how come people can detect me!!!!!!

i really hate it.
but i really cant find interests in guys topic and can't befriend guys as guys and girls as girls. in short, i am girlshy. or, to some extent, guyshy..

so how?!!!!!!!!!!!!

someone say this: you look like you are not confident to woo girls and hence choose to follow guys. wat the !!!!!

okay. maybe he's right. so does that help? so what am i supposed to do to make myself less gay.

i am overly cared about my looks? but that's cos if have experienced flaky skin before and i bet no girls like that. ~! so i am trying to look good for girls. i bet there are straigth guys who care for their looks too.

a girl actually told me in the fact that i look like gay. and actually ask if i am really not gay! it's passive qn. watthe!!!!!

exams come first.

so surprised to see myself back to this blog.

yeap.. 2 years liao.. and yet i am still in this deadly fantasy. i think i got a little better. but still, sometimes will still imagine. how? the urge to engage is as strong when i am typing.

wat i am
i am a physco. worse than anyone.

i like to be tied up, and being manipulated and molested. i like to feel the fear, the fear of dun know when the next hot wax will hit my skin.

i like to be uniform. army no.4 uniform. feel garung in it. will like to be a boot camp, where we are all trained and tortured. where we will all be halfnaked. if we aren't performing, our punishment will be to be full naked and carry on with training. at the end of the day, standing at the parade square at attention, with the instructors shouting at us telling us we are not supposed to wank. and yet touching wanking our dicks. we are not supposed to move, only at attention position, sweating..

some times, the punishment includes sucking their dicks. maybe there's an orderly assigned everyday to the CO. the orderly is supposed in smart no.4 with his dick sticking out of the slacks. used by the CO for his pleasure. when the CO needs to work, he will stay under the desk, sucking. . .

the trainees, due to lack of space while transporting, will be stacked one on top of anthor in the tonner. and we will be sweating together with close contact..

bad dreams
dreamt that i was going thru eric's sent mail and realise that one of the mail was routed to my another email account. and the content was to ask me out. and worst still, i replied seemingly. oh.. which means the whole lot of them knows my another self. !!!!

also, realise that Chris is having some prob with himself. lost his job, and now struggling with his preferences. i wrote to him but got no reply. dun know why... tot we can be friends, but it seems that he's not interested. i tot i need someone like him to strengthed me. but. . .

i did it again...
Mood:  blue
i hate it but i am enjoying it. hate to turn my back against Him. but it's so fun to be with him. why must i turn back to irc... why must i take risk.

i must say i kinda like him. it's nice, and i will like to try to be attached. he's definitely outstanding in studies and talents.. i think. most importantly, i found someone so similar and yet the same as me. similar as in background, same as in my desires... i falling into the shit.

"Dreamt i was fucking someone .. not a guy but a girl .. my first time .. "

stumbled across the above.. argh!

does it mean he's gay.? i dun like it.. i get to know more and more people and i am sinking deeper and deeper into this shit..

copied this from somewhere....

Attended a branch mate's engagement reception today and came away with mixed feelings. Are people like us going to find our supposed soulmate and get married? Live a life of domesticated bliss??? Happily ever after??? The answer that is staring me and a large part of our population seems to be pretty bleak. Of course, there are rare cases of bliss but well the word here is rare. As I have told Colin once, we are not programmed to be monogamous. Men are placed on earth to assist in procreation but with the women removed, only sex is left. There is also the fact that we have high libidos; the big 'O' is what we want. I am not saying that it is all sex but largely it is. Just take a peek at the clubs that cater to us, the people inside may be attached but they are just in there for the sex; sex with strangers... And that leaves us in a quandary. Is it possible for us to settle down with one bedmate forever or are we going to flit from one piece of meat to the other?

Questions, questions, questions... But hopefully I will belong to the rare group of bliss when that special someone comes...

links added
these links are the links keeping me from the LORD.. i feel so much tempted to join them.. but i have held back so far.. how long can i stop myself from goin up to them and say "hi, you look good.. "

yes.. i have gay tendencies.. i ogle at good looking guys.. and further, i am surrounded with guys.. =(

HOW? what should i do?

i am gay
i am against homosexual.. but i am right now a gay. i detest myself but delight in my iniquities.. argh.. why must it be like that..

but God is speaking to me very closely.. for He has brought the following to me..

he's one of them but now repented.

i am sinking into it
never did i know that the aj circle is so big!. it's literally revolving around me now!.. 1Gds.. 13 Sib.. even CCO... argh.. how!! i am sick... i try to run away.. but cannot.

curiosity kill the cat. i have found out the aj people in my camp. but i have tried hard to stop myself from knowing them.. cos, once that's done.. that's the end of me. i cannot get out by then.

can i be straight? i know i can.. but men are still so tempting...